The Hardest Three Words

It's often said that the hardest three words to say are "I love you." But in the professional world—and perhaps in our personal lives too—the real challenge might be admitting, "I don't know," or saying, "I need help."

Staff training is approaching, and like every camp, we are trying to refine our training, and like every camp, we want to make it more engaging, more relevant, and more beneficial—for both them and us. One of the things that we try to instill in our staff is that they can’t know everything. That if they don’t know an answer to a question, to simply tell whoever is asking that they don’t know and they will follow up. This goes for conversations with new staff, with campers, and especially with parents.

But every year we find ourselves in a situation where someone was trying to help but ultimately created an issue because they couldn’t or wouldn’t say they didn’t know.

One key motivator for people providing answers even when uncertain is the simple desire to be helpful. We train our staff to be decision-makers and problem solvers. We ask them to be the CEO of the group that they lead and resolve situations before they occur. To ask them to say they don’t know seems like anathema to them.

This certainly helps to explain the irony of our best staff often being the worst offenders. This doesn’t just occur at camp; the inability to say "I don’t know," or even ask for help, is far more pronounced among more experienced and competent staff. Why is that? Let's delve into some insights from social psychology and behavioral economics to understand this phenomenon better.

Social psychology introduces us to the concept of the illusion of knowledge. This cognitive bias leads people to believe they understand subjects and situations better than they actually do. In the workplace, where competence and expertise are often correlated with a future promotion, and at camp a coveted year-round position, admitting a gap in knowledge can seem career-limiting. This is especially true for those who are used to being the go-to experts and their camp knowledge gives them social prestige.

So why is it that these high-performing staff, the ones that have built an identity around being competent and informed, become the worst offenders? When asked a question that they can’t answer, these high performers are faced with cognitive dissonance. They struggle with the discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs (e.g., seeing oneself as knowledgeable while not knowing the answer). To reduce this discomfort, an individual provides an answer — any answer — to maintain their self-perception as helpful and informed.

So how can we change this script? How can we make it easier to ask for help?

Asking for help also involves an intricate play of social capital, an invisible currency used in many of our social interactions. Sociologist Robert Putnam describes social networks as systems that function based on reciprocity. This means that when staff members ask for help, they are essentially 'cashing in' on their social capital. The reluctance to do so can stem from a fear of owing a favor or being perceived as less competent. For seasoned staff, especially those accustomed to being seen as self-reliant and knowledgeable, the cost of asking for help might seem too high. They might worry that seeking assistance could weaken their established image of independence and expertise, which are highly valued in settings like summer camps.

Compounding the issue is the spotlight effect, where individuals believe that their actions and mistakes are more noticeable to others than they actually are. In the context of a summer camp, where activities are often public and communal, the fear that everyone is closely watching and judging can be overwhelming. This effect can make admitting a lack of knowledge or error feel like stepping into a spotlight of scrutiny, making the act of asking for help not just a personal challenge but a public ordeal.

To counter these barriers, it is crucial to reshape the narrative around help-seeking during staff training. One effective strategy is to reframe the situations in which help might be needed. Instead of phrasing training scenarios as "if a situation happens," which might imply rarity or personal failure, training can emphasize "when situations happen." This subtle shift in language normalizes the occurrence of challenges and the need for assistance, indicating that such situations are common and expected, not anomalies, and when they occur, staff need to ask for help.

Further, training can focus on promoting a culture of collective competence rather than individual perfection. By celebrating collaborative problem-solving and emphasizing that asking for help is a sign of a strong, resourceful team member, camps can alleviate the pressure on individuals to always have all the answers. This approach not only reduces the stigma associated with seeking help but also enhances team dynamics.

This is the technique we have adopted at my camps. During staff training, when staff find themselves in a situation that makes them uncomfortable, feel unsafe, or where they don’t know the answer or simply need to be tagged out.  They hold their hands in front of them with their fingertips touching and then make eye contact with another staff. 

This simple gesture says I need help.  When help arrives and the problem is resolved we then talk about it together, and if necessary as a group.  We train that we are better together.  Once staff see this is a team sport and we are in this together they are much more willing to ask for help.